Adulting is very hard, I want to unsubscribe, I’m tired.
This is how I feel almost everyday these days. I’m just tired of everything. Having to go to work and do it well, whether I feel like it or not. Having to act like everything is fine and smile when all I want to do is curl up in bed and not get out for days.
In the last two weeks I think I prayed just once. Why?
We seem to always blame the devil whenever bad things happen in our lives but follow me here, I have a legit reason.
About 2 weeks ago I was sick with malaria for an entire week. And I hated the feeling. The weakness knowing fully well you have a lot to do and wanting to do it but having no strength to do so, the ironical fever and chills, just the entire experience. Being a doctor, I can tell you for free that the stereotype about us is true. We’re the worst patients ever.
This is the third time within a year, I’m having an attack of malaria. Yes it’s an attack because I never, ever previously had malaria this frequently, maybe like once in four years or so.
I thought back to the previous times I did and I realized a pattern.
It was always whenever I was determined to spend time with God in prayer and the word. The devil has 3 main strategies for doing his work: To steal, to kill and to destroy (John 10:10)
He couldn’t kill my desire, nor destroy it. But he could steal, even if it was for a brief period, what could physically sustain that desire; my health. And he came for it in full force. In stealing my health, he ultimately stole my time and the strength required of me to seek God.
All I did was sleep, struggle to eat so I could use my medications (please using medications doesn’t negate your faith. Medicine in itself is a miracle, okay) and have a splitting headache that didn’t allow me even think, talkless of pray.
After a few days, I felt better but still very weak. I finally regained my strength and I was very angry. Angry that the devil stole from me precious time I could have spent with Abba Dealing with malaria I had no business with.
As I fully recovered, I saw that I had to start from scratch, again. I had to build up my desire for God, and I was crushed. Why do I keep fighting this battle over and over again? I had missed a few days but it felt like an entire month.
On Sunday, I was hit with a wave of sadness and I literally had to drag myself to church with everything in me. I wasn’t physically sick so I had no excuse. But I was emotionally drained. I sat in worship curled up on my chair and all I could do was weep. No words, just tears.
I was tired. Tired of praying for years over certain things and feeling like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling back to me. Tired of feeling disconnected and detached from everything and everyone, feeling like I was watching life pass me by.
I saw this picture later and all I could see was someone broken in worship. At the end of that session, nothing had changed, but it felt good to cry to God unashamedly knowing that he heard me and understood me.
I was not going to let the devil steal my joy and my peace. Rather I will stay in the place of prayer because it works. Not because someone told me so, but because in my life when situations looked like they were hopeless and I prayed, he came through, unfailingly. Not always in the way I wanted it, however ultimately the best way.
I will pray and I will not faint. I will not allow the devil to have a foothold in my life no matter how things may seem now, but I will watch and I will pray because prayer works. It may not seem so or feel so right now but I trust in ABBA.
I will pray, without ceasing.