It’s barely two weeks into the new year (the month is going by so fast!) and I feel like I’m drowning. It’s like the devil heard me say I’m living for Jesus and seeking him with everything in me this new year and decided to come for me big time.

After my last post, I woke up consistently for like 2 days filled with worry and anxiety over situations in my life. Even things I normally wouldn’t be worried about I was very worried and upset. I wondered why I felt this way as I’d been praying consistently as this was part of my goals of the year. I lacked the desire/zeal to do anything even though I knew I had a lot of things to do. I went over the various plans I had for 2020 and wondered how am I going to do this? Where am I going to get the strength, financial resources and time to do these things.

Everyone keeps shouting 2020 is for great things, big visions and I didn’t want to be left behind in any way. So I worried, and worried till I started having chest pains. At this point I knew that I had to get this load off my chest by speaking to someone. I called my friend to share how I felt and we ended up spending over an hour on the phone and I even cried at some point during the conversation.

I was reminded that God always has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), that the devil is always seeking who he can devour, that I resist him by faith and I’m not the only one who feels this way (1 Peter 5:8-9) I felt much better, and at the end of the conversation we were laughing over our shared experiences during our internship year.

The next morning I reflected after a period of worship and I wrote out this scripture;

“Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for GOD ’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to GOD!”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG)

I realized I had been trying to figure out everything by myself, and when I couldn’t, I panicked, big time. The first devotional I’d read on the Bible App this year was on the Will of God and the biggest takeaway from that plan for me was this;

“God has a plan for your life, he’s going to show you the plan and how to accomplish it, yours is just to trust in that plan, listen and obey”

If anyone told me that this adulting life was this hard, I’d have said please hold on, I’m not ready to subscribe yet 😂.

So I’m grateful that I don’t have to figure it out on my own, I have a Helper who’s going to be with me every step of the way and whenever I forget, I will be reminded by various means and I will tell my soul that he’s in control.

Excerpts from Journal, January 14, 2020


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