I’m a hider, I’ve always been. I come out once in a while basically to say, see me here, peek-a-boo, then I go back to hiding.
I hide because I never know what to expect from the world.
“Will I be judged? will I be accepted? Will I contribute something? Will I say something totally off point and end up looking like a fool?”
Social media was the worst for me. It’s like practically placing yourself in the lions den and anyone can come for you.
I’ve always been scared of putting myself out there because What if everyone thinks I’m a fraud, all my beauty and intelligence is all surface and no depth. What if I never get accepted for what I believe and who I am, what if,what if,what if; the stuff regret is made of.
This may be hard to believe because people who know me personally would describe me as a very bubbly, outgoing, talks a lot kind of person, but whew that takes a lot from me. For every time I’m seen smiling and laughing or talking, I’m at war with myself in my head. I always go back thinking “did I say too much? hmm I shouldn’t have said that, or why are they looking at me weirdly because I’m talking about Jesus”.
About a month before my birthday I was weighed down by these thoughts and I wondered why? Then I realized that in all my years of being a Christian I never really know who I was or what I had in Christ. Yeah I heard of it, sang the songs about it, but it was head knowledge not heart knowledge. Instead, I had let primarily the opinions of others and the satisfaction that came from being a doctor fill who I was.
So I decided to do a study on who I was in Christ. I came up with a playlist of songs. Wrote out scriptures to confess to myself daily, listened to numerous sermons. During the course of this study, I came across a recurrent promise of God.
I AM CHOSEN.
These three words wrecked me. I continued to study and the Holy Spirit revealed these words to me;
Hiding is not humility. You are a light. Shine.
I was hit with truth based on scripture which were:
An unfriendly person isolates himself and seems to care only about his own issues. For his contempt of sound judgment makes him a recluse. Proverbs 18: 1 TPT
You see, I was that unfriendly person, I was stuck in my own head, even though outwardly it didn’t seem so, I was refusing to speak out to people I love to share my burdens because I thought I could do bad all by myself. I wasn’t being a light. I was trapped and I needed to stop hiding.
Jesus set me free with these words;
Your lives light up the world. Let others see your light from a distance, for how can you hide a city that stands on a hilltop? And who would light a lamp and then hide it in an obscure place? Instead, it’s placed where everyone in the house can benefit from its light. Matthew 5:14-15 TPT
I am that Light that cannot be hidden. I am not placed in an obscure place. I am visible for the world to see the light that was given to me by my Father.
In about two weeks I saw that I began to see myself as who God said I was. I came across a tweet on identity which said, “as we know him we begin to know ourselves better”
A few days before my birthday, the devil came back again and attacked me like never before. He reminded me of my past mistakes and disobedience, telling me I was never good enough and I would never be worthy. That I hadn’t done enough before turning 25, your mates have done so much more, even people younger thank you have achieved so much more, you have nothing to celebrate and on and on he went. I was filled with so much dread as this birthday was coming because I felt like I haven’t done so much with my life at this milestone age. Who have I impacted that can say “because of Omowunmi, my life is better”, would people even remember to tell me happy birthday, would I get gifts from family and loved ones.
Guess who was fully prepared. I had hand written about 25 scriptures on who I was in Christ and I was memorizing them. I would pause in the middle of whatever I was doing and speak those words back to the devil reminding him who I was and that his time was very short before eternal damnation. I didn’t “feel” worthy or loved and I’d have a tight feeling in my chest for a while but I chose to believe what God said over what my body felt or my mind said.
For my birthday this year, I had planned to have a photoshoot, have a party(I love parties😂), and basically enjoy myself. Well, 2020 did me a number
As I was thinking about these plans I had in the light of current events, I realized the importance of these Words;
“Come now, you who say; Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” James 4:13-15 NKJV
I had made all these plans, yet God knew exactly what was going to happen. He knew the world would be in the position it is now. He wasn’t caught unawares, he knew. This made me realize that as important as having all these good things of life and celebrating are, it’s more important to trust that God is in control of every situation even when it doesn’t seem like it. My life is fleeting, I can’t control what happens in the general sense. Only God can, but I can chose to be happy no matter what, knowing fully well that my identity isn’t found in things, it’s found in the One.
I started my birthday today, crying my eyes out finally accepting that the the people in my life are there for a reason, and by the end of the day, I was floored and overwhelmed with messages and the love I received. However, this wasn’t the source of my joy, the confidence I have in who I am in Christ does knowing fully well that I’m CHOSEN and I BELONG to Him.
So from this year on, I will no longer hide, I will shine in the brightest way possible. I will illuminate the lives of others, I will dispel every form of darkness I find, I will love and serve with all my heart. I will embrace the Light, because that’s who I was created to be.